Answered

Me: Should I go to the gym?

God: Yes.

Me: But do I HAVE to go to the gym?

God: Depends.

Me: On?

God: Do you want to be a giant fatty?

Me: Touche, God, touche.

Answered

Me: Two questions.

God: OK.

Me: Have you ever thought that there was a grain of quinoa on your finger from dinner, and then ate it, and then realized it was a booger because you can pick your nose anywhere you want because you live alone, and then spit it out and then spend ten minutes on your hands and knees looking for the booger you almost ate?

God: No.

Me: Good. That would be gross.

God: You had another question?

Me: Why am I single?

Answered

Me: Are YOU making Hulu run slow?

God: Your English sucks.

Me: Sooooo...

God: For the love of me, pick up a book, woman.

Answered

Me: I know something you don't know.

God: No you don't.

Me: Oh, shit. Wrong dial.

God: You've been drinking.

Me: Underpants! Bye bye!

God: Sigh.

Answered

Me: Hey, God?

God: 'Sup?

Me: Is it OK if pants are optional in my new house?

God: Yes, just not on the couch.

Me: But I live alone now!

God: You always wear pants on the couch, Melanie. Always.

Answered Prayer

Me: Dear God, why does my tummy hurt?

God: Wine.

Me: But I should be able to drink a little wine and not get sick. You did, right?

God: I wasn't finished. Wine, vodka, beer, ice cream. That is why your stomach hurts. I added a little extra pain 'cause you did it on a Thursday.

Me: Jerk.

God: (Raises eyebrow)

Me: Just kidding.

Answered Prayer

Me: Oh, God. Why does my tummy hurt?

God: Might be the Heath bar you ate. Or the morning bun. Or all those cherries. Or -

Me: Stop! I get it. Murph pmthhh.

God: Are you eating...granola?

Me: (Hangs head in shame) Yefsh.

Answered Prayer

Me: Do I have to do laundry?

God: Well, you've been wearing that outfit for five days, and I see you've moved on to the really big underwear, so - yes.

Me: Fiiiiine.