A Love Letter to Ryan Farr

Dear Ryan Farr,

I love you. And, wait, don't get all creeped out because someone once told me that you are married and I am so OK with that because my love isn't sexy-time love, it's unconditional forever love, like the kind you have for your baby blanket or brontosauruses. Although you are super cute, like here:

But, again, it's not like I want to jump your bones. Well, seeing as it's you I'm writing to, maybe I do want to jump your deliciously butchered pig bones. But, to be clear, even though I think you are mega handsome and your smile lights up a room, I do not want to have sex with you. And I mean that as a compliment. Moving on.

I love you because you've made butchers cool again. When I describe you to people who don't know you, I call you an 'indie rock butcher.' You're so bad ass. You are the kind of butcher that little kids who want to be butchers can look up to and be cool. Some might even use the term 'role model.' While I love the old school Italian butchers who give me free samples in the best deli ever in Queens, NY, they lack that X-factor. They just aren't very rock-n-roll. But, you, Ryan Farr, you are rock-n-roll. Even when you are playing Lord of the Flies.

I still want to hang out with you, you bloodless pig cutter. I trust you, somehow. Even though I've had nightmares that look exactly like this:

Until recently, I was a vegetarian. I know, I know - I'm embarrassed about it as well. It's like a secret tattoo of shame that I carry on my heart. Although I prefer it to my two actual tattoos of shame. But that's a different story of tramp stamps and bad decisions, and this story is about you. Not only are your meats tasty, but you have a killer blog, which obviously is something I would be a fan of. What? Why is that obvious? I don't know. Stop judging, Ryan Farr, and just be complimented. I love that I can turn to you if I ever need to remove the face of anything.

I love how much you love SF. I love how you are active in community events. I love that you teach classes on making the most of dead animals. I love that sometimes I see you and get all giggly 'cause you are kinda famous, but you still walk around all normal-like in your pork shirts. Oh, and I love that you picked me as the winner of that contest and that you let me get a poster as a prize instead of a tee shirt because that was so bitchy of me to even ask.

There are many more reasons that I love you, but I'm writing this at Ritual Coffee, and I've been here for awhile and I can feel the barrista judging me and it feels bad because I'm having a fat day, so I'm going to end it here.

Thanks for everything, Ryan Farr. You are one-in-a-million.

Love,

Melanie Kameko Duve

PS I got these great pics of you from notes from the zeitgeist, Eat Foo and KQED.

A Very Crunchy Giveaway

H-O-L-Y-S-H-I-T

I am a girl who makes no secret of, well, anything, but specifically I do not hide my love for granola. Mama always said no relationship is worthwhile if you have to keep it a secret. Plus, granola is a very tasty treat and a great addition to the first meal of the day. I love some seasonal fruit in a bowl, with a little yogurt, topped with some granola. But you can make it any way you want and still have wonderful success. The sweetness and crunch are so satisfying and the meal is still healthy. Well, it CAN be unhealthy if you eat too much, but you knew that. And if you are reading my blog for health tips, I fear you might die young.

But...I just had the BEST GRANOLA EVER CREATED. This is the Usain Bolt of granola. Rodney's Homemade Granola from Bi-Rite Creamery. It tastes so good that I cried when I ate it. Twice. Imagine eating a diamond encrusted slice of David Bowie's - nevermind. Just trust me that it is SO GOOD. I would tell you what the ingredients are, but I was so excited when I opened the package that I accidentally ripped that part off. But there might just be some crack in here.

So, like any good crack dealer, I want to share it with you! That's right! It's time for another 'Broke-Ass College Kid's Kinda Cheap Giveaway!' The winner, no matter where they are located in the world, will be shipped a bag of this delightful crunchity goodness. And all you have to do to win is tell me a story about camping - best one wins. For some reason, granola makes me think of camping, which I am afraid of, so help me conquer my fear. Or just make me laugh. The winner I've selected (and their story) will be posted on TUESDAY! Post your tale in the comments section below.

Can't wait to read your stories!!!

I Love Weddings

So most of my girlfriends know that I love weddings. They make me so happy. I love the idea of them, and the planning, and the invitations, and even the seating charts. I LOVE love, too, which really helps. And I love all kinds of weddings. I love when old people get married, when boys marry boys, when my mom got married for the second time - anything! I think it is such a happy occasion and I tend to cry my eyes out.

I've kept this obsession a secret for a long time. I thought that it might scare off boyfriends or potential boyfriends or friends or my family because I'm 27 and my biological clock is ticking and this wedding insanity appears to the uneducated outsider to be my Jewish spinster neurosis kicking in. What's changed, you ask? Nothing. I have just realized that if I am going to find someone that I love enough to marry then they will HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY WEDDING OBSESSION. They do not have to share in it, but they have to realize it's there, and if it scares them off, then they weren't the right man for me anyway. Plus, loving weddings is probably one of my least weird neurosis, so if they can't handle it, then they would probably shit bricks when they learn how I feel about bunnies and cleaning my ears. Don't ask.

Are you still reading? Well, then you are probably my friend Valerie, and that's OK, because I love you. And I just wanted to point out that even though I hate camping and barns and rain and dirt, this rustic ceremony made me get all teary eyed and want to have a hoe down in a barn. Ok, not totally the second part, but I think they did such a good job! And they did so much of it themselves. And that girl is SKINNY!



I hope I am that skinny on my wedding day, but that I am not in a barn in Utah.

I absolutely love the chalkboard mural:



I wish I was that artistically gifted. If I tried to create something like that everyone would probably think that I gave some retarded children finger paints and let them go hog wild on my wedding decorations. Which would make me look like a caring, sweet person who is spending time with children with special needs. Shit. Maybe I should do that for my wedding.

I also love how beautifully the rain worked for them. The shots of them in the woods with the umbrellas are surreal.



Although why anyone would ever want to go hiking is beyond me. Especially on your wedding day. But, hey, to each their own. I usually feel bad for couples when it rains on their weddings, but this really worked out.

The final thing that I love are the wedding cakes. Again, I don't love logs, but they used them so nicely!



I also like it because they were able to have a variety of different cakes and there was no cheesy wedding cake factor to their sweet desserts. I will bet they tasted amazing, and if I was there I would probably have had like six pieces. I mean...one piece.

Oh, and they had board games at their wedding. I love board games, but I would think they would be bummed out if anyone played them, no? Although it would be hilarious if, when you opened them, they were all changed to be about the couple. Like Scattergories, but the lists would be like 'Things Suzy Doesn't Know About Johnny.' Ok, maybe that wouldn't be funny.

I feel a lot better now that my secret is out. I think I will post about weddings more often. And a special thanks to the fabulous Joanna Goddard for first posting about this wedding. And for being a great blogger. I hope one day I can meet her. Or that she just knows who I am.