Coffee Winner!

Well, it was a long, hard road to determining a winner of this coffee contest, what-with there being seven contestants and all, but after hours of toiling during the commercial breaks of an episode of Law & Order: SVU that I may have already seen once today, I have come to a winner.

Here's a hint as to who it is:



No, it's not a fuzzy, wuzzy reincarnation of the 9 Lives kitty...it's my friend David Morris! I won't post a picture of him here because I haven't asked him about it, but I am personally under the assumption that he is the human version of Morris the Cat. Oh man. The urge to post a picture of David here is really strong. Like...Nutella and banana crepe strong.

Sorry I left. I had to troll David's Facebook page for a picture where he REALLY embodies Morris. The cat. Not the man. Who is David. Wait. I've even confused myself.

The moral of this story is that David won the coffee. Even though he doesn't really drink coffee. Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?

One day I will write a detective novel about a main character based on David that is a badass detective like Dale Cooper, but instead of real coffee and pie, the David detective will drink decaf and sugar-free muffins. But still solve crimes and rescue Audrey from One Eyed Jack's.

Here is the story, in case you missed it! David, I'll bring you the coffee next time we hang out. Thanks for saving me the shipping charges!

I don't have a very loving relationship with coffee. If anything, I prefer a cuppa Joe at a diner, black. But even this can get to be too much, due to my extreme sensitivity to caffeine (symptoms include inventing things and hearing voices). So often times I'll just order a decaf (taken black, of course. Publicly I drink my coffee black because the bitterness reminds me of the bitter tears shed during the exodus, but privately it's because I hate trying to maintain the proper proportion of cream and sugar as the mug is refilled throughout the meal).

Anyway. I only have a couple of incidents that could remotely qualify as any kind of coffee story. There was the time I tried making coffee at the office and things went so badly I ended up having to run away. Or the time in college, after having studied the strange power of the placebo effect, that I secretly substituted my girlfriend's sister's coffee with decaf on the night before her final, but then didn't say anything when she kept frowning at the coffee and saying, "I think they accidentally put in decaf".

But I think the one I'll go with isn't so much a story, as it is a visual. Basically, one day on my bike commute to work, I got the idea in my head that it would be great to grab a cup of coffee from Philz on the way to the office. I figured: hey, I'm a good biker, I can hold a cup of coffee steady. It went pretty well, until I got to my shortcut behind the Best Buy.

The path that runs behind the Best Buy is, like, beyond bumpy. I think it was paved when asphalt was first invented and pretty much left untouched since. Through internet magic, you can actually see precisely what I'm talking about.

As I turned onto the road, a little voice somewhere in my head coughed politely and mentioned something about maybe this not being a good idea. But this voice was drowned by another, stupider voice, who was all like, "Hey don't listen to him! Woo, pina coladas!" (Lesson: never heed the advice of the voices in your head who are lounging around drinking pina coladas all day and making rude remarks to the waitresses. Those are LOSER voices.)

Well. So. If you were a passerby that morning, you would have seen a nerdy white guy slowly riding a bike while spilling scolding hot coffee all over his arm, screaming. Curious as to why he didn't stop or anything, but continued to keep spilling the coffee on himself the whole length of the street, you might have asked him why he did that. To which he probably would have said something like, "For some reason, I felt I had to just push through it, you know?"

Oh and it was awesome to read everyone's stories and I will maybe do another giveaway soon. That is, as soon as my unemployment check clears. Yeah. That's why I'm giving away cheap shit.

Oh and, also, David went to Berkeley, which is where I want to go, so now, David, you have to call them and tell them that I scratched your back, so now they should scratch mine. But only on the bottom half because the rest is really sun burnt.

Finally, second place was Owen (at the last minute), but all the stories were really fun to read. And Owen doesn't get a prize for second place, just cool kid points on my blog, which will translate to street cred after I publish my first novel.