Salmon

This here blog post is in appreciation of salmon. The fish, not the color. I don't really like the color salmon. Wait - that's not totally true. I like the color of salmon when it means I will soon be eating lox from Zabar's. I do not like the color salmon when it means I will be wearing a hideous bride's maid dress. Like this chick, who obviously did something terrible to the bride:



Man, is she a good friend. But that is not what this post is about. This post is about the fish salmon, before they are caught, smoked and put on bagels. Clever and interesting little critters. If you continue to read, I promise you will learn something. And that it will take less than five minutes. Because this is being graded. For school. And it has to take less than five minutes to read. Also, don't leave any lewd comments. Jerks.

Anyway...

Did you know that salmon are anadromous? No, that doesn't mean that boy salmon dress up like girl salmon. It means that they can survive in both salty and freshwater, through a process called osmoregulation. I think that's pretty cool. I had thought only the little mermaid could do that, but no! Salmon can, too.

Salmon typically live in the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans, as well as in some Great Lakes. If I was a salmon and I could pick where I lived, it would probably be in the Atlantic because then you get New York AND London. But, if I were a salmon, I probably wouldn't care about discount designer shopping as much as I do now. I just don't think I would want to be in the Great Lakes because it seems so sheltered and confined, you know? But then I guess I could be near Chicago. Wait a minute, what am I talking about? Of course salmon care about discount designer shopping.

Let's focus on the life cycle of a typical salmon. Their eggs are laid in freshwater streams at high latitudes. It's easy to remember that if you just think about the mile high club. Oh, man I can't believe I just wrote that in a science blog. Betcha aren't bored, though. This here is what the eggs look like, thank you US Bureau of Land and Management:



Then the little samalams hatch into something called alevins. Wikipedia told me this is one of the finest images available of this hatching. To me it looks like a baby monster from The Mothman Prophecies:



Scary, no? Don't get too freaked out - they change into something else quickly. These little winged monsters become salmon parr, which is the closest to being cute that salmon will ever officially get, as per this picture I found on the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's digital library:



The parr stay in their cutsie patootsie stage for 6 months (for the early developers) to 3 years (for those late bloomers) before becoming smolts. Those itty bitty salmon must be tasty because only about 10% of the eggs make it to the smolt stage. What is the smolt stage, you ask? Well, I will tell you because I like saying 'smolt' in my head. Smolt. Smolt. Smolt.

SMOLT! They are usually bright and silvery. If I were a salmon superhero, I would call myself 'The Smolt Bolt.' Look at these shiny lil' fishies from this Alaska lovers site.



These smolts have it pretty rough. Not only are they 72% less cute than parr, but their scales are really easily rubbed off. And they often get caught in turbine blades, or cannot stand the pressure changes during their passes through dams. Damn dams! Killin' all the smolts.

So the smolts are basically chillin' and waiting to be flushed out into the ocean. They float tail first, which is a little wacky, but hey, at least their theme song can officially be 'Back That Thang Up.' They tend to spend some time in brackish water (like in an estuary) while their bodies get used to that osmoregulation we talked about already.

So then the adult salmon get to the open ocean, spending their days avoiding fisherman and garbage, until one day, when they turn 26 and all their other friends are getting married, their biological clocks kick in - oh, wait. That's me. Salmon get ready to spawn after 1 to 5 years, depending on the species. And, to be clear, I am not ready to spawn yet. I just want to meet a nice Jewish boy. Don't judge or I'll sic The Smolt Bolt on you.

During their time in the ocean, salmon get a little freaky. They can develop humps and canine teeth. Which is weird to me because they are fish. I'm suddenly having second thoughts about the subject matter I've selected for this project. I fear I will now suffer from a condition I just made up called 'sushi dentata,' which is when you are scared your sushi has teeth. Oh. I'm over it. And now I'm hungry.

Ok, where were we? Ah, yes. The ugly salmon leave the ocean and return to the same place they were born to spawn. Crazy, right? If I were salmon then I would have to have my kids in Danbury, CT. I hate that place. I am so glad I am not a salmon right now. Although my teeth have gotten pointier...

As you can imagine, switching their locale back to freshwater after being in saltwater for so long wreaks havoc on their bodies. They start to deteriorate, and almost all of them die shortly after spawning. Sad.

So, that's my blog on salmon. To recap: I would make a terrible salmon.

Or would I????